"For heaven's sake, Dona Rodriguez, what ails my lady theduchess?" asked Don Quixote.
"Adjured in that way," replied the duenna, "I cannot helpanswering the question and telling the whole truth. Senor Don Quixote,have you observed the comeliness of my lady the duchess, that smoothcomplexion of hers like a burnished polished sword, those two cheeksof milk and carmine, that gay lively step with which she treads orrather seems to spurn the earth, so that one would fancy she wentradiating health wherever she passed? Well then, let me tell you shemay thank, first of all God, for this, and next, two issues that shehas, one in each leg, by which all the evil humours, of which thedoctors say she is full, are discharged."
"Blessed Virgin!" exclaimed Don Quixote; "and is it possible that mylady the duchess has drains of that sort? I would not have believed itif the barefoot friars had told it me; but as the lady DonaRodriguez says so, it must be so. But surely such issues, and insuch places, do not discharge humours, but liquid amber. Verily, Ido believe now that this practice of opening issues is a veryimportant matter for the health."
Don Quixote had hardly said this, when the chamber door flew openwith a loud bang, and with the start the noise gave her Dona Rodriguezlet the candle fall from her hand, and the room was left as dark asa wolf's mouth, as the saying is. Suddenly the poor duenna felt twohands seize her by the throat, so tightly that she could not croak,while some one else, without uttering a word, very briskly hoistedup her petticoats, and with what seemed to be a slipper began to layon so heartily that anyone would have felt pity for her; butalthough Don Quixote felt it he never stirred from his bed, but layquiet and silent, nay apprehensive that his turn for a drubbingmight be coming. Nor was the apprehension an idle one; one; forleaving the duenna （who did not dare to cry out） well basted, thesilent executioners fell upon Don Quixote, and stripping him of thesheet and the coverlet, they pinched him so fast and so hard that hewas driven to defend himself with his fists, and all this inmarvellous silence. The battle lasted nearly half an hour, and thenthe phantoms fled; Dona Rodriguez gathered up her skirts, andbemoaning her fate went out without saying a word to Don Quixote,and he, sorely pinched, puzzled, and dejected, remained alone, andthere we will leave him, wondering who could have been the perverseenchanter who had reduced him to such a state; but that shall betold in due season, for Sancho claims our attention, and themethodical arrangement of the story demands it.
CHAPTER XLIX
OF WHAT HAPPENED SANCHO IN MAKING THE ROUND OF HIS ISLAND
WE left the great governor angered and irritated by thatportrait-painting rogue of a farmer who, instructed the majordomo,as the majordomo was by the duke, tried to practise upon him; hehowever, fool, boor, and clown as he was, held his own against themall, saying to those round him and to Doctor Pedro Recio, who assoon as the private business of the duke's letter was disposed ofhad returned to the room, "Now I see plainly enough that judges andgovernors ought to be and must be made of brass not to feel theimportunities of the applicants that at all times and all seasonsinsist on being heard, and having their business despatched, and theirown affairs and no others attended to, come what may; and if thepoor judge does not hear them and settle the matter- either because hecannot or because that is not the time set apart for hearing them-forthwith they abuse him, and run him down, and gnaw at his bones, andeven pick holes in his pedigree. You silly, stupid applicant, don't bein a hurry; wait for the proper time and season for doing business;don't come at dinner-hour, or at bed-time; for judges are only fleshand blood, and must give to Nature what she naturally demands of them;all except myself, for in my case I give her nothing to eat, thanks toSenor Doctor Pedro Recio Tirteafuera here, who would have me die ofhunger, and declares that death to be life; and the same sort oflife may God give him and all his kind- I mean the bad doctors; forthe good ones deserve palms and laurels."
All who knew Sancho Panza were astonished to hear him speak soelegantly, and did not know what to attribute it to unless it werethat office and grave responsibility either smarten or stupefy men'swits. At last Doctor Pedro Recio Agilers of Tirteafuera promised tolet him have supper that night though it might be in contraventionof all the aphorisms of Hippocrates. With this the governor wassatisfied and looked forward to the approach of night andsupper-time with great anxiety; and though time, to his mind, stoodstill and made no progress, nevertheless the hour he so longed forcame, and they gave him a beef salad with onions and some boiledcalves' feet rather far gone. At this he fell to with greater relishthan if they had given him francolins from Milan, pheasants from Rome,veal from Sorrento, partridges from Moron, or geese from Lavajos,and turning to the doctor at supper he said to him, "Look here,senor doctor, for the future don't trouble yourself about giving medainty things or choice dishes to eat, for it will be only taking mystomach off its hinges; it is accustomed to goat, cow, bacon, hungbeef, turnips and onions; and if by any chance it is given thesepalace dishes, it receives them squeamishly, and sometimes withloathing. What the head-carver had best do is to serve me with whatthey call ollas podridas （and the rottener they are the better theysmell）； and he can put whatever he likes into them, so long as it isgood to eat, and I'll be obliged to him, and will requite him someday. But let nobody play pranks on me, for either we are or we arenot; let us live and eat in peace and good-fellowship, for when Godsends the dawn, be sends it for all. I mean to govern this islandwithout giving up a right or taking a bribe; let everyone keep his eyeopen, and look out for the arrow; for I can tell them 'the devil'sin Cantillana,' and if they drive me to it they'll see somethingthat will astonish them. Nay! make yourself honey and the flies eatyou."
"Of a truth, senor governor," said the carver, "your worship is inthe right of it in everything you have said; and I promise you inthe name of all the inhabitants of this island that they will serveyour worship with all zeal, affection, and good-will, for the mildkind of government you have given a sample of to begin with, leavesthem no ground for doing or thinking anything to your worship'sdisadvantage."
"That I believe," said Sancho; "and they would be great fools ifthey did or thought otherwise; once more I say, see to my feedingand my Dapple's for that is the great point and what is most to thepurpose; and when the hour comes let us go the rounds, for it is myintention to purge this island of all manner of uncleanness and of allidle good-for-nothing vagabonds; for I would have you know that lazyidlers are the same thing in a State as the drones in a hive, that eatup the honey the industrious bees make. I mean to protect thehusbandman, to preserve to the gentleman his privileges, to reward thevirtuous, and above all to respect religion and honour itsministers. What say you to that, my friends? Is there anything in whatI say, or am I talking to no purpose?"
"There is so much in what your worship says, senor governor," saidthe majordomo, "that I am filled with wonder when I see a man likeyour worship, entirely without learning （for I believe you have noneat all）， say such things, and so full of sound maxims and sageremarks, very different from what was expected of your worship'sintelligence by those who sent us or by us who came here. Every day wesee something new in this world; jokes become realities, and thejokers find the tables turned upon them."
Night came, and with the permission of Doctor Pedro Recio, thegovernor had supper. They then got ready to go the rounds, and hestarted with the majordomo, the secretary, the head-carver, thechronicler charged with recording his deeds, and alguacils andnotaries enough to form a fair-sized squadron. In the midst marchedSancho with his staff, as fine a sight as one could wish to see, andbut a few streets of the town had been traversed when they heard anoise as of a clashing of swords. They hastened to the spot, and foundthat the combatants were but two, who seeing the authoritiesapproaching stood still, and one of them exclaimed, "Help, in the nameof God and the king! Are men to he allowed to rob in the middle ofthis town, and rush out and attack people in the very streets?"
"Be calm, my good man," said Sancho, "and tell me what the causeof this quarrel is; for I am the governor."
Said the other combatant, "Senor governor, I will tell you in a veryfew words. Your worship must know that this gentleman has just now wonmore than a thousand reals in that gambling house opposite, and Godknows how. I was there, and gave more than one doubtful point in hisfavour, very much against what my conscience told me. He made off withhis winnings, and when I made sure he was going to give me a crownor so at least by way of a present, as it is usual and customary togive men of quality of my sort who stand by to see fair or foulplay, and back up swindles, and prevent quarrels, he pocketed hismoney and left the house. Indignant at this I followed him, andspeaking him fairly and civilly asked him to give me if it were onlyeight reals, for he knows I am an honest man and that I have neitherprofession nor property, for my parents never brought me up to anyor left me any; but the rogue, who is a greater thief than Cacus and agreater sharper than Andradilla, would not give me more than fourreals; so your worship may see how little shame and conscience he has.But by my faith if you had not come up I'd have made him disgorgehis winnings, and he'd have learned what the range of the steel-yardwas."