"Are there alguacils of the court in Kandy, too," said Sancho atthis, "and poets, and seguidillas? I swear I think the world is thesame all over! But make haste, Senora Trifaldi; for it is late, andI am dying to know the end of this long story."
"I will," replied the countess.
CHAPTER XXXIX
IN WHICH THE TRIFALDI CONTINUES HER MARVELLOUS AND MEMORABLE STORY
BY EVERY word that Sancho uttered, the duchess was as much delightedas Don Quixote was driven to desperation. He bade him hold his tongue,and the Distressed One went on to say: "At length, after muchquestioning and answering, as the princess held to her story,without changing or varying her previous declaration, the Vicar gavehis decision in favour of Don Clavijo, and she was delivered over tohim as his lawful wife; which the Queen Dona Maguncia, the PrincessAntonomasia's mother, so took to heart, that within the space of threedays we buried her."
"She died, no doubt," said Sancho.
"Of course," said Trifaldin; "they don't bury living people inKandy, only the dead."
"Senor Squire," said Sancho, "a man in a swoon has been known tobe buried before now, in the belief that he was dead; and it struck methat Queen Maguncia ought to have swooned rather than died; becausewith life a great many things come right, and the princess's folly wasnot so great that she need feel it so keenly. If the lady hadmarried some page of hers, or some other servant of the house, as manyanother has done, so I have heard say, then the mischief would havebeen past curing. But to marry such an elegant accomplishedgentleman as has been just now described to us- indeed, indeed, thoughit was a folly, it was not such a great one as you think; foraccording to the rules of my master here- and he won't allow me tolie- as of men of letters bishops are made, so of gentlemen knights,specially if they be errant, kings and emperors may be made."
"Thou art right, Sancho," said Don Quixote, "for with aknight-errant, if he has but two fingers' breadth of good fortune,it is on the cards to become the mightiest lord on earth. But letsenora the Distressed One proceed; for I suspect she has got yet totell us the bitter part of this so far sweet story."
"The bitter is indeed to come," said the countess; "and suchbitter that colocynth is sweet and oleander toothsome in comparison.The queen, then, being dead, and not in a swoon, we buried her; andhardly had we covered her with earth, hardly had we said our lastfarewells, when, quis talia fando temperet a lachrymis? over thequeen's grave there appeared, mounted upon a wooden horse, the giantMalambruno, Maguncia's first cousin, who besides being cruel is anenchanter; and he, to revenge the death of his cousin, punish theaudacity of Don Clavijo, and in wrath at the contumacy of Antonomasia,left them both enchanted by his art on the grave itself; she beingchanged into an ape of brass, and he into a horrible crocodile of someunknown metal; while between the two there stands a pillar, also ofmetal, with certain characters in the Syriac language inscribed uponit, which, being translated into Kandian, and now into Castilian,contain the following sentence: 'These two rash lovers shall notrecover their former shape until the valiant Manchegan comes to dobattle with me in single combat; for the Fates reserve this unexampledadventure for his mighty valour alone.' This done, he drew from itssheath a huge broad scimitar, and seizing me by the hair he made asthough he meant to cut my throat and shear my head clean off. I wasterror-stricken, my voice stuck in my throat, and I was in the deepestdistress; nevertheless I summoned up my strength as well as I could,and in a trembling and piteous voice I addressed such words to himas induced him to stay the infliction of a punishment so severe. Hethen caused all the duennas of the palace, those that are herepresent, to be brought before him; and after having dwelt upon theenormity of our offence, and denounced duennas, their characters,their evil ways and worse intrigues, laying to the charge of allwhat I alone was guilty of, he said he would not visit us with capitalpunishment, but with others of a slow nature which would be ineffect civil death for ever; and the very instant he ceased speakingwe all felt the pores of our faces opening, and pricking us, as ifwith the points of needles. We at once put our hands up to our facesand found ourselves in the state you now see."
Here the Distressed One and the other duennas raised the veilswith which they were covered, and disclosed countenances all bristlingwith beards, some red, some black, some white, and some grizzled, atwhich spectacle the duke and duchess made a show of being filledwith wonder. Don Quixote and Sancho were overwhelmed with amazement,and the bystanders lost in astonishment, while the Trifaldi went on tosay: "Thus did that malevolent villain Malambruno punish us,covering the tenderness and softness of our faces with these roughbristles! Would to heaven that he had swept off our heads with hisenormous scimitar instead of obscuring the light of our countenanceswith these wool-combings that cover us! For if we look into thematter, sirs （and what I am now going to say I would say with eyesflowing like fountains, only that the thought of our misfortune andthe oceans they have already wept, keep them as dry as barleyspears, and so I say it without tears）， where, I ask, can a duennawith a beard to to? What father or mother will feel pity for her?Who will help her? For, if even when she has a smooth skin, and a facetortured by a thousand kinds of washes and cosmetics, she can hardlyget anybody to love her, what will she do when she shows acountenace turned into a thicket? Oh duennas, companions mine! itwas an unlucky moment when we were born and an ill-starred hour whenour fathers begot us!" And as she said this she showed signs ofbeing about to faint.CHAPTER XL
OF MATTERS RELATING AND BELONGING TO THIS ADVENTURE AND TO THISMEMORABLE HISTORY
VERILY and truly all those who find pleasure in histories likethis ought show their gratitude to Cide Hamete, its original author,for the scrupulous care he has taken to set before us all its minuteparticulars, not leaving anything, however trifling it may be, that hedoes not make clear and plain. He portrays the thoughts, he revealsthe fancies, he answers implied questions, clears up doubts, setsobjections at rest, and, in a word, makes plain the smallest pointsthe most inquisitive can desire to know. O renowned author! O happyDon Quixote! O famous famous droll Sancho! All and each, may ye livecountless ages for the delight and amusement of the dwellers on earth!
The history goes on to say that when Sancho saw the Distressed Onefaint he exclaimed: "I swear by the faith of an honest man and theshades of all my ancestors the Panzas, that never I did see or hearof, nor has my master related or conceived in his mind, such anadventure as this. A thousand devils- not to curse thee- take thee,Malambruno, for an enchanter and a giant! Couldst thou find no othersort of punishment for these sinners but bearding them? Would it nothave been better- it would have been better for them- to have takenoff half their noses from the middle upwards, even though they'dhave snuffled when they spoke, than to have put beards on them? I'llbet they have not the means of paying anybody to shave them."
"That is the truth, senor," said one of the twelve; "we have not themoney to get ourselves shaved, and so we have, some of us, taken tousing sticking-plasters by way of an economical remedy, for byapplying them to our faces and plucking them off with a jerk we areleft as bare and smooth as the bottom of a stone mortar. There are, tobe sure, women in Kandy that go about from house to house to removedown, and trim eyebrows, and make cosmetics for the use of thewomen, but we, the duennas of my lady, would never let them in, formost of them have a flavour of agents that have ceased to beprincipals; and if we are not relieved by Senor Don Quixote we shallbe carried to our graves with beards."
"I will pluck out my own in the land of the Moors," said DonQuixote, "if I don't cure yours."
At this instant the Trifaldi recovered from her swoon and said, "Thechink of that promise, valiant knight, reached my ears in the midst ofmy swoon, and has been the means of reviving me and bringing back mysenses; and so once more I implore you, illustrious errant,indomitable sir, to let your gracious promises be turned into deeds."
"There shall be no delay on my part," said Don Quixote. "Bethinkyou, senora, of what I must do, for my heart is most eager to serveyou."
"The fact is," replied the Distressed One, "it is five thousandleagues, a couple more or less, from this to the kingdom of Kandy,if you go by land; but if you go through the air and in a straightline, it is three thousand two hundred and twenty-seven. You mustknow, too, that Malambruno told me that, whenever fate provided theknight our deliverer, he himself would send him a steed far better andwith less tricks than a post-horse; for he will be that same woodenhorse on which the valiant Pierres carried off the fair Magalona;which said horse is guided by a peg he has in his forehead that servesfor a bridle, and flies through the air with such rapidity that youwould fancy the very devils were carrying him. This horse, accordingto ancient tradition, was made by Merlin. He lent him to Pierres,who was a friend of his, and who made long journeys with him, and,as has been said, carried off the fair Magalona, bearing her throughthe air on its haunches and making all who beheld them from theearth gape with astonishment; and he never lent him save to those whomhe loved or those who paid him well; and since the great Pierres weknow of no one having mounted him until now. From him Malambruno stolehim by his magic art, and he has him now in his possession, andmakes use of him in his journeys which he constantly makes throughdifferent parts of the world; he is here to-day, to-morrow inFrance, and the next day in Potosi; and the best of it is the saidhorse neither eats nor sleeps nor wears out shoes, and goes at anambling pace through the air without wings, so that he whom he hasmounted upon him can carry a cup full of water in his hand withoutspilling a drop, so smoothly and easily does he go, for which reasonthe fair Magalona enjoyed riding him greatly."